When does a good idea become a bad one?
Part of me hesitates to write and share these thoughts because they sound silly. Naïve, even. A mix of too much and too little confidence. And in the end, everything in my head was all abstract, so what's the point in overanalyzing things? Who cares, I'm writing about this anyway.
For years ideas and fantasies marinated in my brain: I would move to Germany not long after finishing graduate school, starting anew. And until Merz took over, I dreamt of the fast-track route to citizenship, a mere three years if one had sufficient language skills and proven dedication to and integration into society through something like volunteering.
I'm not trying to suggest that I am Special, but I am not like many Americans who simply dream of the European lifestyle and throw a dart to determine in which Western European country they should settle, assuming that everything will just work itself out and they'll thrive in an "expat" community because god forbid they consider themselves among the likes of "immigrants."
It may seem strange because my blog is entirely in English, but I consider German to be my second tongue at this point. I always had a knack for the language since middle school. I minored in Germanic studies in college. For various reasons I managed to visit Germany for the first time only in 2022, though I befriended a few native speakers who helped turn speaking into my strength. Later that year, I asked one of my dearest friends if he thought I stood a chance at passing the C1 Goethe exam. He laughed and said that I could pass C2. I will admit that it took a lot of preparation, but I did earn the C2 certificate.
Germany enchanted me more than I expected during my first visit. Since then, I have been back twice. While southern Germany remains an enigma for me, I have visited more than major cities, finding myself in pockets of the East that both charm and haunt me to this day. The idea of moving to Germany crossed my mind in 2023, especially since I had the proof of my language skills in my very hands.
For the past few years I have felt as much of a part of German society as I possibly could have been. I was both privileged and fed up enough to retreat from most news coverage of the US. To this day, my days were filled with podcasts and talkshows in German. I knew what felt like as much as one could know about current German society without actually residing there. All of this as well as the joy I experience while speaking German kept pulling me in. For a long time it felt like I was running to Germany, though not quick enough because I was still struggling to finish my PhD so that I could get on with my life.
Until the Trump administration forced me to confront the reality of my own situation. Less than a month after Trump's second inauguration, I lost a major professional opportunity that would have been a stepping stone to my dream career. At this point I felt that I was not just running to Germany. I also had to run away from my own country.
The previous sentence doesn't sound like something I would say, mostly because I don't consider the US to be my country. Could I replace "my" with "home?" That also feels wrong. I'm attached to some places and things here and there, but on the whole I've always felt like this place never was and never will be for me.
I come from what is arguably the most hated country in the world right now, and no one there wanted me. Of course, I am so Americanized at this point that Russia would not feel right for me either. Especially as times have grown more turbulent, I became ever more fixated on finding my third place. If I cannot feel at home in neither my adoptive nor my birth country, I feel I may as well choose a third place. With emphasis on "choose." I realize this reason is not specific to Germany, but its role cannot be ignored. And quite literally, Germany could be the "middle place" for me. Somewhere in between the US and Russia geographically. I have no idea if or when I'll be able to visit my birth city, but I know for sure I want to explore more of Central Asia, for example. I could be closer to my biological relatives and therefore be better able to coordinate meet-ups with my sister.
Funnily enough, it seems like things both in Germany and my own life worsened simultaneously, maybe even at the same rate at times. Sometimes even for the same reason. I was fixated on the news when the war broke out. Suddenly the prospects of me visiting my birth country for the first time since I left it at seven months old crumbled, less than two months after receiving a new Russian passport. At the same time, Germany's dependency on Russian gas has led to an energy crisis and surely contributed to economic decline.
Still, I continued to experience Germany as much as I could from my American city through rose-tinted glasses. I continued to fantasize about someday living in a nice apartment in Berlin or maybe Leipzig, starting over. I could travel throughout Europe by train even while the world is seemingly falling apart. I'd feel at home because mentally I was giving myself no other choice. I loved it though. I'd attend cultural events. For example, I've felt like I can connect with the Russlanddeutschen even though our stories are obviously not the same. I'd get to speak German in everyday situations instead of just over the phone. And best of all, I'd get to just be myself in a place that has started to feel increasingly right for me with every visit.
Everyone who knows me personally understands that moving to Germany is part of my identity even if it has been abstract. And so now here I am, unemployed, trying to figure out how to make that happen.
I shouldn't want to make it happen anymore.
My revelation came about both extremely gradually and all at once about a week ago. Nothing but negativity can be found in coverage on Germany, and it has been this way for years. Surely this is the way the news works, and things aren't great in the world overall. I kept brushing all this off, focusing instead on my attachment that has only intensified since I was 13. I could still get a passport within a reasonable period of time, and even if I ended up disliking things, I could then just try living in a different EU country. But I knew for a long time that it was not necessary to have a degree in economics or sociology to know that the future outlook for Germany does not look good. This will sound sorely out of touch because of course I am not a politician or even a resident of the country, but I have no faith in the government to solve real problems anytime soon.
I also cannot pretend that I will be treated well just because I speak German without issue. Naturally, I also think about my own financial circumstances. I'm unemployed and lost as I type this. I probably would not be able to land a well-paying job in Germany anytime in the near future. Mind you, I have no aspirations to become rich. If I did, I guess I'd ought to just stay in the US regardless of my feelings.
But I came to the realization that not only would I likely not find what I seek emotionally, or at least not immediately, I probably would struggle more than I think. And considering that Germany seems to be in a transitional period that will likely worsen before it improves, are all the ongoing challenges really worth the passport I may or may not earn? I don't know if I want to take part in this transition anymore. Those problems that currently have nothing to do with me from afar would suddenly feel much more personal.
When I confessed these feelings to my friend, he admitted that in recent years he didn't want to complain so much about the state of things in Germany because doing so would only discourage me. Surely our experiences would differ, but he knew how much I dreamt of making a life for myself there.
But he reassured me that it was only mature and good to have a realistic point of view on things. He thinks I should have a bit more self-respect. Yes, this is n=1, but I do trust his judgment.
I haven't had many dreams in my life. Like, real dreams. I never dreamt of owning a home or car. I never dreamt of getting married or having a nice wedding. I never dreamt of having children and having a traditional family.
I've dreamt of going back to my birthplace and spending quality time with my biological family, reconnecting with what could have been but what was not, what is me and what is not. I also dreamt of moving to Germany. It's odd to realize that the war has taken both of those dreams away from me somehow. Surely problems in Germany would have brewed even without Russia's invasion of Ukraine, but I do feel the conflict has brought many things to light that make the latter more potentially negative than positive for me.
Naturally, I don't know how to sit with this. It does feel like a big part of me died. I still watch content on German life and feel sad. This all may sound a bit melodramatic. After all, I am still quite young, and things can change. I could move to Germany later in life. If I move to Europe, I could just visit more frequently. Why did I let myself get so attached to a place that never had anything to do with me in the first place?
I still want to leave the US. I've decided that I should instead aim for Switzerland and forget about earning a passport anytime soon. Ultimately, I cannot get everything I want, and I have to sit with that. I've started casually researching Switzerland, which is both similar to and different from Germany, a bit more. I don't think this will be easy either though, and I don't know when or if it will be realistic. I'm at a big disadvantage by lacking EU citizenship, but the rest of my profile looks okay, I guess. My dream is to someday work for a large international organization in science policy. Switzerland seems promising for this, but I also may never be able to break into it.
I feel stuck waiting for my life to happen, and I also don't even know what that life is anymore.
For now I've also made a bigger decision to apply rigorously to jobs outside of my current city, potentially committing to what could be another year or so in the US even though I ultimately want to leave. It's depressing, wondering how many times I need to uproot my life to get to somewhere I want to be. I don't think I can find a job in my current city though because my skills aren't really valued here, and being unemployed into the new year will look bad. Moving elsewhere prematurely would mean still owing rent for the remaining months of my contract, but staying stagnant is also a financial (and professional) risk.
I hope I can have an opportunity to soon make a real change that feels like a good idea.