What the hell is going on?
I have little motivation to do any work this week or even write about anything.
I usually abstain from following US politics. But I can't ignore what is happening right now. I am scared for others and for myself.
How could this even happen? The buyouts. The terminations. Drastic cuts to federally funded research activities.
My LinkedIn feed is flooded with updates from those who work(ed) for critical agencies like the EPA and NIH and were fired without reason. No federal employees were allowed at a science policy conference I attended last week, probably a first in the meeting's history. I can't even begin to describe how outrageous and cruel all of it is.
Last year, I had to calm the fears of some of my friends here in the US who were experiencing unprecedented levels of anxiety leading up to the election. I assured them that things wouldn't change so quickly if Trump is elected. We survived one Trump presidency, what's another four years?
I was so, so wrong. Not toward those friends of mine though because their spheres are very safe right now. They probably don't even really understand what's happening to the scientific community right now. The only person in my non-work social circle who is as worried as me right now is my best friend who works for a non-profit.
I was wrong about my own situation. Contrary to my expectations, everything has changed in less than a month of this administration. Practically overnight. I'm unlucky enough to be starting my career as a soon-to-be STEM PhD holder as this unfolds.
Sure, any professional aspirations I had to work in science policy in the US are crushed. I also am a semi-finalist for a study abroad program this summer in Turkey that will almost certainly no longer take place. What's more, I had already been planning since a couple years ago to move abroad to run not necessarily away from the USA but rather toward Europe. I was only casually considering staying in the US for another year.
I will have to accept and cope with losing out on these opportunities.
But now it feels a bit more like running away.
I could accept and cope with those things. But now the timeline isn't so casual. The pressure is on. Thanks to the absurdity of the current administration, my advisor will not be able to renew one of their remaining grants for another year and will likely run out of funds to pay me and our lab manager by September or even earlier.
I know my advisor will let me continue working in our lab after I defend my dissertation hopefully sometime late spring. I can't rely on that in the long run though.
Quite frankly, I don't want to stick around and watch everything further erode here. Who knows what's next? I don't want to be wrong again.
Essentially, I need to find a job that lands me in Europe by early fall. It may not be exactly what I want to do at first, like a post-doc, but beggars can't be choosers.
My greatest fear is not being able to get a job in Germany and my advisor not being able to find some other way or person at my university to pay my salary in the interim. With the unpredictability of everything right now, I don't feel I can rely on anything or anyone right now.
I'm also entirely alone. I could hold myself over for a few months if I end up unemployed and stuck for whatever reason later this year, and I could even withdraw funds from my Roth IRA if times become really tough. But I don't want to dig into whatever I've saved from my meager graduate student stipend. And I don't have any family to really help me. My dad might be able to help me pay rent for a month, but that's that. There's no one else.
I'm not panicking yet. I still feel confident I can compete with Europeans on the job market somehow. But I am certainly on edge this week. Again, I am scared. Writing about it helps, I guess.
The only way I can end this post is by sharing a song that captures my current mood.