What could have been and what could be
A few days ago I returned from a nice vacation to the Bay Area. It was my fourth visit to the region, but it's impossible to not find new and fun things to do (and photograph!) each time. Still, like any other trip there, it was filled with the same things: stunning hikes, delicious Asian food, good company, and dreamy weather (okay, it was actually kind of rainy in November 2024, but besides then it's been gorgeous). It feels like a different country to me.
While not unique to this destination, the nostalgia of what could have been and what could be always seems to haunt me here more than other desirable US cities despite how occupied I become physically and socially.
I visited my first US national park in 2019 at the ripe age of 22. My closest friend from college moved to start grad school at Stanford, and we rented a car to go to Pinnacles National Park. Needless to say, I was wowed. I have spent nearly my entirely life in the Midwest, and my parents never took me on trips to these sorts of places.
Even though I have to date visited only a few national parks here, I like to think I've made up for that by hiking in some pretty cool places abroad. I won't lie though: It's still a little embarrassing that I haven't seen a lot of places in the country where I happened to be raised.
Just a few days ago I wrapped up a quick trip with one of my closest friends to Sequoia, where I completed a simply stunning hike. My fourth US national park.
It's weird at the moment. I've been mentally planning to leave the country for a few years now, and I'm now at the scary point of looking for jobs in Germany and starting to panic about my prospects.
Of course, it's not exactly the point of no return, but I've made up my mind for a while. I'm mentally stuck looking back on my life here in the US and the could-have-beens even though I'm still here in the same city I've inhabited for over six years.
I wonder if I would have grown more attached to this country, willing to defend it during times of turmoil such as the ones we are living in at the moment, if I had grown up somewhere like the Bay Area. If I had been raised by a different set of adoptive parents who valued these experiences and actually bothered trying to make it feel like it could become a true home for me. If my childhood had felt more progressive (both politically and emotionally) rather than regressive.
This isn't just a nostalgia for a past that never existed. It's also a nostalgia for a future that will never be, as cliché as that sounds. Like many people, I sometimes think it would be cool to move to California.
If I really wanted to, I could stay in the US. Move out west. I already have two close friends in the bay and have met several of their friends and acquaintances; that's a lot for me, so I'd already have a budding social life. I have desirable skills and interests, so maybe I could find a decently paying biotech job there. I'm in more control of my life than I think I am. I could have a cool life in the city that supposedly has more dogs than children---a pro for childfree women like me! I could maybe even find a partner with likeminded values. And I could ultimately live a dreamy Californian lifestyle, checking off several more national parks on my list and easily satiating my hunger for more live music and Korean food. I could belong there. Or at least try.
But I won't. Sometimes I wonder why not. Do I just like to make my life more difficult? Why do I want to abandon everything I know and start over abroad? More often than not though I find myself just grieving this lost possibility. Don't get me wrong; I already know it's not something I want, so I'm not keeping it from myself. Maybe I would be though if things had played out differently in my life. It's still kind of sad to me though.
I like to think it's normal to ruminate over the lives we could have lived and could still live. It's funny, visiting one of the most idyllic places in the US and feeling like something is off.
Regardless, I look forward to every visit to the Bay Area. I love my friends and the outdoors. It will make me want to come back and visit this country every once in a while after I make the move I've been dreaming of for so long.
And last but not least, the sweetest angel I've seen in a long time that deserves more than a fuzzy photo and a feature in one of my silly blog posts:
