Reflections on National Adoption Month

02 Nov, 2026

A few hours prior to attending an event several weeks ago, I met up with an online acquaintance and his wife who had come into town. We knew beforehand that a local animal shelter was invited to the event and would bring a couple of their dogs with the hope that they would be adopted by attendees. I can admit it was a sweet initiative.

I didn't know this couple very well, but I met them in person once a few years ago. It was nice to kill some time by chatting with them about the evening ahead, except for one unpleasant interaction.

As we discussed the dogs we would meet later, this couple's dog naturally came up in the conversation as well. A boxer, whose photo they showed me.

"How cute," I said.

What followed has (clearly) stuck with me.

"When she smells the other dogs on me when we get back, I'll be sure to tell her how grateful she should be that we didn't abandon her and that she has food and water, not like those unworthy dogs waiting to be adopted."

Even though I was shocked, I just chuckled. I was maybe even more taken aback by the way she said these things. So matter-of-fact, as if she prepared it in advance, knowing that she would say it right in front of me, an adoptee.

There are many things I could have said. No one wants me to say them though, so I don't. They don't conform to their preconceived notions about adoption.

I still had a nice time that night, but it was also uncomfortable because of this remark. I felt like I was "wrong" in an atmosphere where I usually feel comfortable and not so self-conscious. It was a reminder that these attitudes about adoption are everywhere, even in spaces where I least expect them to be expressed so blatantly.

If you don't know that November is National Adoption Month in the US, then you probably don't know that October 30th is Adoptee Remembrance Day, a day dedicated to solidarity with adoptees, especially those who have suffered from their adoption and maybe even lost their lives too soon because of it. Both adoptees and birth mothers are nearly 40 times more likely to commit suicide compared to their peers.¹ Not that there will ever be fully reliable statistics though, given that many places seal original birth records after an adoption is completed. Can you imagine your original birth certificate kept from you, even as an adult? This is just one of the many injustices that many adoptees face.

Like much of the discussion and media about adoption, National Adoption Month serves adoptive parents and the adoption industry. Adoption is this beautiful thing that completes a family, as if the one who should be so grateful to have been adopted only started existing then and never had a prior identity. It's like magic, isn't it?

My adoptive parents never cared about where I come from or who I am as a person. Any of my attempts to learn about myself as a teenager were met with backlash and reminders of how much I cost them financially and emotionally.

And so here I am, nearly 30 years old, still feeling like a child. That can be attributed to not only the adoption experience itself, but also the way that society and adoptive parents try to keep adoptees in their place. Everything is fine until we decide to speak up for ourselves, in which case we are reminded to take a back seat. We will forever be the unworthy, unwanted children at the mercy of the adoption industry.

I have made great strides in reclaiming my lost identity for the past nearly seven years. But it will never replace the fundamental loss of my birth family, culture, and language. I also never felt safe trying to make up for this until I was financially independent of my parents. To this day I feel like a rebellious teenager who sneaks out at night for shenanigans, except in this case it is about hiding the language I have learned, the countries I have visited, and the sister I have met on the other side of the world. I'm a fully functional adult, but I always feel like my adoptive parents are watching me.

Midterms are almost here.

Recently, the Republican candidate for Senate in Minnesota had to point out that she is an adoptive parent. So she must be a good person, right?

“America should be a nation of immigration and also a nation of law and order,” Tafoya said, noting she is the granddaughter of immigrants and adopted her daughter from Colombia.² I would love to be proven wrong, but I doubt that her daughter consented to let alone supported this mention. Not that her mother saw this as a chance to point out the issues that international adoptees face either. No, it was only to elevate herself.

To the surprise of no one, the Republican party likes to use adoptees in support of the anti-choice movement. But this is no different among Democrats or other political parties, only their rationale is different. Don't get me wrong, I think conservatives are worse here. But many progressives use adoptees as pawns, too. Don't want to have biological kids because of climate change? Go adopt one. It's like recycling. Ethical to them, even. And if there are any barriers to adoption like age, sex, marital status, or whatever, then they should be abolished because there are children in need. Rarely does anyone ask why children are available for adoption and try to address that. Adoptees serve the liberal agenda: the right to choose and the right to marriage equality. I am as liberal as can be, but I'm not sorry to say that no one, not even a queer person, is entitled to another human being. Even the ACLU, which actively stands up for LGBTQ rights, backs adoptive parents—never the adoptee.

None of these takes has anything to do with the adopted children themselves. Rather, they are marketed as a family-building tool. The funny thing is that the right is actually more honest about this: the adoption industry suffers when there are not enough white babies to adopt. No wonder why they push to ban contraceptives on top of abortion. It is simple supply and demand depending on the wants of prospective adoptive parents, regardless of their political views.³ I'm not even a domestic adoptee and can see this.

Society does not want to admit that adoption is transactional in a way that almost always benefits the entitled ones who do not understand what it is like to be adopted. My parents never cared about the country I come from; they only cared about adopting a young and relatively healthy white baby. This is just the nature of the market. They also wanted to make sure there was no way for my birth mother to contact them or me after the fact.

Even though no one likes to believe it, a child more often than not does not need to be adopted, and the ones who actually do are not being adopted. Although I was not so consciously aware of the overarching narratives around adoption when I was a child, I still felt them. And they haven't changed much today.

You may ask why I am so negative toward adoption. Do I not think children deserve loving homes? No, that is not true. But adoption should be the last resort, and in the ideal case, it is an inter-family adoption. And surprise, surprise, I do not think that children should be monetized.

You, dear reader, may want to tell me about someone you know who had a positive adoption experience and consider me a one-off. But while I cannot deny that adoption affects some more than others, it is also no wonder that adoptees appear to be well-adjusted. It is their job to be. They were not kept like you.

Until society decides to collectively acknowledge the relinquishment trauma behind adoption, things will not change. This is not a month of celebration.