On meeting people through apps
Like many introverts, I relished the stay-at-home orders when the pandemic began.
I was a fresh graduate student at the time, so I didn't have as many in-person obligations. Plus I could take courses from the comfort of my own apartment, saving me a sometimes non-trivial commute by foot and public transportation to the classroom. The city was also still new to me, so it was nice to have more free time to explore different parks and neighborhoods.
Though everything was uncertain and somewhat terrifying, I could stay home to focus on things that really mattered to me outside of work. I didn't need to waste energy on small interactions besides those between me and a cashier at the grocery store. I was getting back into reading for pleasure and starting to learn another language. I took daily walks unaccompanied by music or podcasts, instead pondering how I wanted to manage my time and attention for the next several years. Admittedly, it was a bit challenging to not be able to attend a cool gym I had recently joined, but besides that I didn't feel like there were any setbacks to the "new normal."
Unexpectedly, it became harder as time passed. I don't think it had anything to do with moving into a new apartment later in 2020, where I have since lived by myself for the first time in my life. Even after returning to in-person work, spending every weekend at home gradually became dull, even dreadful at times.
I was lonely.
I was still keeping in touch virtually with a couple of friends who lived hundreds or even thousands of kilometers away from me. Still, that wasn't enough. I didn't have any friends here. Sure, I interacted most days with other members in my lab group, but I never considered them friends. I didn't have any sort of social network, especially because I moved here only months before the pandemic ensued.
Soon enough I felt like I had to do what I had always written off: find friends on an app.
Even though I hadn't tried doing so before, I had already formed an opinion on meeting locals online. Forced, probably a waste of time. I was (and still am) a student, so I should be able to meet people organically, right? Acquainting yourself with someone in "real" life also just seemed superior. It meant that you have the prerequisite social skills to form a connection without the help of technology. It could also mean that you are interesting or charming in some way, making an impression on strangers (as if you can't make an impression on someone virtually). Resorting to an app seemed like the opposite of these things.
Begrudgingly, I pushed these preconceived notions enough to the side that I made a profile on Bumble. Just to see what happens, or so I told myself.
As I was also becoming more interested in digital privacy, signing up for this felt contradictory. Even though I used my old phone and a burner phone number, I couldn't help but feel like I was prolonging my break-up with big tech. It also just felt weird. I tried to imagine myself having a conversation with each person whose profile I encountered just to find myself swiping left a lot. Sometimes it was as simple as not having common interests, but in most cases the vibe felt completely off: almost everyone's profile description raved about going out for brunch and mimosas every weekend and taking aesthetic photos for Instagram, or women explicitly seeking other couples to go on double dates. Cool if you're into those things; they're just not for me. I live in a relatively big city, yet finding a friend felt like a Herculean task. Was I the problem?
I was persistent anyway. After all, as frustrating as it can be to use these apps, it can be pretty low-effort. And even though I felt starved for friendship, I'm very used to and often prefer being alone, so it was okay.
I'm really glad I kept swiping because I eventually met my best friend. It's crazy how quickly we became close, and I can't imagine what things would have been like these past few years without her. Although we have our differences, I sometimes feel like we're the same person. We even have almost the exact same birthday. We live within walking distance of each other. While I've almost always had a best friend in various stages of my life, this friendship is something different. How did I get so lucky?
There is no doubt that I wouldn't have met my best friend as well as another good friend of mine without joining Bumble, something I had dismissed for a long time. Unsurprisingly, my opinions on using these apps to make social connections have changed over time.
While it is true that judging someone based on their profile photos and description can be limiting and even keep you from meeting someone awesome, I think it saves people time and effort more often than not. True, some people aren't opposed to getting to know someone over a walk or coffee for a few hours even if they're ultimately not compatible. Not every interaction can or should turn into lifelong companionship. But I think there's some value in efficiency, as robotic as that sounds.
The pandemic aside, it's also just super difficult to meet new people in general. Some people are social butterflies and can meet others through their existing social network or because they happen to spend a lot of time in places that foster new connections, but I can't say I'm one of them. I work in a lab and see the same few people every day, and we mostly talk about science. I've always wanted to branch out, even escape from science outside of work. Unlike college, graduate school hasn't been conducive (for me) to meeting people who work in other fields let alone outside of a university setting. It didn't take long for me to realize that restricting myself to in-person interactions would keep me in my bubble, and I couldn't keep blaming COVID. I also don't have a car, work primarily in person, and don't live within walking distance of cool places, so it is difficult for me to get out to interesting places to maximize the chances of developing connections offline.
At the same time, I still find myself daydreaming about meeting people organically. It's kind of weird because I realize that I've met nearly all my friends online, though not necessarily via a dating/friendship app, and some of them live in different countries. Yet, I don't feel like I am "missing" something per se. Maybe this has something to do with how positive and easy spontaneous in-person encounters have been depicted in films that I watched while growing up or just social norms from the past that I keep internalizing.
I'm also still wary of the idea of using a dating app to find a partner. Granted, I've not been in a position to seek a romantic relationship for quite some time now, so maybe this is another thing that will someday prove me wrong and transform my opinion on dating apps. I'm also pretty sure that most people who read this will have met at least one partner in their lives via a dating app. I realize this is now a norm. But as someone who believes deep friendship is the foundation for partnership, I struggle to even fathom practically interviewing someone (or being interviewed) from the get-go for a romantic role that fits someone else's script. Curating a dating profile seems like more of a science than an art. Of course, this is just how it appears to me, and I'm probably wrong. I just can't consider partnership after just a few meetings with someone.
As popular as dating apps have become, I don't think meeting new people offline is dead. While third places are dying, I think more people are realizing their value. And after all, not everyone is using a dating app to find friends or partners, or even intentionally looking in the first place. A college friend told me recently how they started dating someone after a chance encounter at late-night trivia in their city. In fact, only one of my friends is partnered with someone they met on an app or online in general.
All in all, I see the value of dating/social apps. I plan to move hopefully by the end of this year, and I sometimes think about how I will approach meeting new people wherever I live next. It's safe to say that I will try to befriend people using apps given my extremely positive experiences so far. But I also want to put myself out there a bit more and join clubs or interest groups, visit more third spaces to try meeting people organically, something that has felt foreign for a long time.
I also want to say that I don't put my friends into boxes based on whether I met them online or offline (or in any other way, for that matter). And I don't think meeting people online is necessarily inorganic. In any case, I have met up at least once with most of the close friends I've met online, and I can easily imagine having befriended them in person. Despite my introversion, I look forward to meeting more cool people in the future, be it online or offline.