Lost in the forest
I recently visited Yosemite for the first time. One of my best friends lives in California, and while I am grateful to him for many reasons, him taking me to national parks is definitely one of them. There is a lot of beauty in this country that I have never witnessed, and only in the past few years have I been able to catch up a bit. For this I like to blame my parents for never taking me to a national park as a kid as well as my geographic and financial circumstances. Since meeting in person a few years ago, my friend and I have managed to visit three national parks together.
Only a few days prior to the drive to Yosemite, my friend received a 3 AM friend breakup text. I could tell how devastated he was, losing a pair of his closest college friends. I actually don't think I had seen him so shaken up before.
We chatted a lot about it, and I was glad that he was already working on coming to terms with things in a healthy way. Essentially, it was probably for the better for everyone. He already felt for a while that his values no longer aligned with theirs, in a way that made their dynamic and conversation not insightful but rather abrasive more often than not. It seemed it was not worth dragging things out any further. While he appreciates the way these friends pushed him to grow in some ways, he needed to recenter himself, and this gave him a chance to reevaluate and do just that.
His take is interesting. Basically, he sees people on a spectrum: on one side, those who strive to achieve at least one "conventional" goal, like a traditional nuclear family or simply becoming filthy rich, and sometimes (though certainly not always) believe that those who do not succeed in doing so or simply do not want those same things are socially incompatible with them. On the other, those who live their lives so unconventionally and make you stop and think, maybe worrying for and admiring them simultaneously. But it's who they are, and you learn to expect the unexpected of them. The friends who broke up with him belonged to the former and turned out to be quite judgmental (even though they are very liberal, I might add).
And then there are a lot of people in the middle, in "the forest" as my friend likes to say. There is a lot of uncertainty in the forest, in a way that is different from someone who falls into the second camp that I mentioned above. They feel pulled in different directions, and it is natural (and sometimes advantageous) for them to gravitate toward one side of the spectrum even though many never leave the forest for good. It is often interesting to learn which paths they choose to take. My friend says he much prefers to befriend and spend time with the forest dwellers, though again the continuum is vast.
He was really looking forward to the particular hike that we did, and I am glad he asked me to complete it with him. It was undoubtedly gorgeous and worth the toil. In hindsight, I regrettably could not enjoy the hike as much as I typically would. Somehow my friend was able to disconnect in a seemingly therapeutic way, finding some clarity following the recent turn of events in his life, whereas I approached the trail a bit more as something to complete, which is out of character for me.
But aside from the views I captured with my camera, I have realized over the past week that I can actually take something meaningful away from this trip. I really appreciated his analogy because I have struggled to articulate what it is I am feeling lately. Now I know exactly what it is: I am in the forest. Very deep in it, deeper than usual.
For what it's worth, I don't think that this is necessarily something to like, at least not under my current circumstances. I have no idea where my life is going right now. I might even say that I am lost in the forest. For what it's worth, I've never been one for wanting conventionality: having children, a house of my own, or a wedding, among other things. But I have never felt more unsteady and disillusioned in several aspects of my life—financially, professionally, and socially—than I do currently.
Right now I am desperate to start something from scratch somewhere new. I'm trying to put aside my favorite things to overthink: Will I ever work a satisfying job? Will I ever move to Europe? Will I be able to find a solid long-term friend or even partner in the next place(s) I choose to live? At the end of the day, I think I just need change. I've been living in my current city for over seven years, and I have outgrown it. It's sort of like leaving a perishable item in the refrigerator for too long. It may be fine for a little while after its expiration date, so you think you don't need to worry about it, but then it becomes awfully stale seemingly overnight.
So, despite everything, I'm doing everything I possibly can to be able to pack up my things, break my lease five to six months early, and move somewhere else in the US where probably no one knows who I am. I say that as if I have never done that before, which is not true. But it is different when you move for school and have an idea of what to expect.
I wouldn't say that I feel any better about my current situation. Also, to be clear, I'm not sure if I fully agree with mapping people on a spectrum like my friend suggests. Still, sometimes being able to describe your state of being in a more tangible way makes each passing day easier to bear. That's where I am right now.