Kinda scary (but good) things
A few days ago I scheduled my dissertation defense. Early December. Kinda scary, but about time.
I've casually reached out to some at least occasional contacts, wondering if they'd like to attend. Most of them live actually not in a different state but rather in a different country, which isn't the most ideal given time zone differences. For a lot of them, English isn't even their native language.
To my surprise, they've all been quick to accept the invitation.
I don't necessarily doubt that my friends care for me, but it didn't seem like something they could (or even should) make the effort to attend.
I also found myself in a frenzy a couple days ago after exchanging my messages with my birth mother, who encouraged me to reach out to my half-brother. He's always shy and embarrassed whenever I come up in conversation, even though he's quite the extrovert. Until this week, our only communication was by text back in May, when we didn't really know what to say to each other, so naturally he tried to convince me to visit Russia and stay... forever.
I'm afraid of scaring him off. I try to put myself in his shoes: how would I have reacted at, say, 14 years old if my mother had told me she gave up a sibling of mine and kept them a secret this whole time, but now they live across the ocean and want to get to know us? It's still going to be weird over a decade later.
Maybe he's just waiting for you to write him, she said.
Fine, I sent him a text.
And to my surprise, he quickly sent me a couple of videos of himself. Just waving while sitting in the car and laughing while on a walk.
Maybe he was waiting after all.
According to my birth mother, he came home and told her without being prompted that I wrote to him. And he was so glad, though still embarrassed. Supposedly he often says it would be better if I lived next to them, and that if he was trying to convince me to come and stay, then he really means it.
It made me feel very warm. We're supposed to video chat for the first time soon. Also kinda scary.
I feel sort of loved this week. Also kinda scary?