I'm being crushed on too hard
A couple weeks ago I agreed to meet with a collaborator, happy to share how my image analysis technique might benefit his work. Our lab groups have worked together over the years, so I'm used to these sorts of meetings, though there are usually others present. At this point I had just defended my dissertation, and I was feeling refreshed since that burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was ready to help.
We sat across from each other at a table outside of our respective labs. I began to explain how my code works and what sorts of insights could be gleaned from the analysis.
He asked questions. But suddenly they were not all about science.
He interrupted me: "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Uhh, sure," I replied.
This was the first time we had spoken since my defense, which he attended (and even helped me practice). Something still on my mind since then was how I handled my acknowledgments. For weeks I debated including a slide about my adoption, a map of where I actually come from and how funny and random it was that I gave a presentation in my current city for the audience to witness. I ended up doing so (and not crying, woo!). Only a few people in the room knew this about me, so I imagine some of the attendees left with some lingering questions.
So, I thought for sure he was going to ask about this.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" He was curious about all the men in photos with me on the slide where I acknowledged my friends during my defense.
The answer to this question is a resounding "no." I've been single for about a decade, though I've been on a few dates here and there over the years. There are definitely Reasons for my singlehood that can be attributed only partially to the stress of nonstop school, but this is something I never advertise to the world.
I was dumbfounded, so much that I simply stated the truth: "No." I gave him a weird look and said that I simply am friends with a lot of men, asked him why.
"Oh, we were just wondering."
I tried to figure out who "we" could be. I even reflected back on an interaction between his advisor and me at a conference several years ago when she asked me in a casual conversation if I had a partner. Highly doubting that she cares about my relationship status or even remembers that day, I was left with only one conclusion.
It turns out that he has had a Very Big Crush on me for years, and he did an impeccable job at hiding it. It made no sense to me. It's like a light switch was flipped.
Since this meeting, things have escalated. A lot. And that's why I need to blog about it.
I wouldn't consider myself especially likable, but I've had a boyfriend before and been casually crushed on a few times in my adult life (as far as I know). So, I'm not clueless.
This is on an entirely other level though. Infatuation.
I've met with him to further assist with scientific questions and even agreed to hang out with him one-on-one outside of work this week because, well, it was hard to say no. I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment, definitely nothing long-term. He didn't seem to mind whatsoever that I plan to leave the country this year... while he plans to accept an offer to go to med school in his home state so that he can become a field surgeon. Two very different things.
He isn't unattractive per se, and we seem to get along well professionally. He's funny and very smart, though admittedly not someone I'd swoon over. In such cases I'm willing to go somewhere casual, pay for my tea or whatever, and enjoy a conversation. There isn't much to lose. He seems to have low self-esteem, but I don't think I can really hurt him from one meet-up.
It's overwhelming being showered with compliments seemingly every two minutes. I think I've received enough for the next several decades. On the bright side, only one out of all of them had to do with my appearance. It's just..... too much, at least for someone like me.
I'm good at listening to people. Unsurprisingly, I got him to open up, more so than he expected or wanted to. He has never had a girlfriend before, feels insecure that all his guy friends are in long-term relationships, have money, and maybe even already have a house. At the same time, he doesn't necessarily regret his halfhearted dating experience during his PhD, instead appreciating the years spent focusing on himself.
Meanwhile, I barely answered any of his too open-ended questions that read like a list of prompts to ask on a first date to get to know someone.
We ended up chatting over boba tea for several hours. It went fine, but by the time I got home, I knew I had to tell him exactly what I was thinking. After some sleep, of course.
I apologized for not opening up more to him. He didn't seem too disappointed by this, but I know he wanted to know more. I admitted that it takes me months to open up and eventually become attached to anyone (if I even do). And given my timeline, it probably doesn't make sense for us to maintain this sort of contact. While I'm not opposed to shorter-term relationships, I question his ability to cope with that as well as how I even feel about him.
Because we don't even know each other. We're familiar strangers at best. This is the crux of what stumps me about all this: how could you be mesmerized by someone you don't even know?
I also wrote that I want to be careful. Not only given our work relationship but also because I don't know what I really want, and his self-esteem seems fragile. Certainly I'm not the only one who thinks that is a bad combination.
He asked if we could talk.
I begrudgingly agreed, not expecting much and hoping to put an end to whatever this is before it properly starts.
In person he told me he consulted his friends—men who live on other sides of the country but for some reason know who I am and, like him, believe that I am Different—about my text messages, and they weren't sure if I was softly rejecting him after what he felt was the best date of his life. To be honest, I wasn't sure either.
I told him I felt like he was putting me on a pedestal and likes more the idea of me rather than who I really am, as we don't know each other at all.
He pushed back in the most respectful way possible, insisting that I let him make his own choices as an adult and that I would not be the first woman to disappoint him. He would not be upset at any point, only appreciative that he got to "spend time with an incredible person" no matter if that is in a platonic or romantic way.
I warned him about my personality and tendencies, reminding him there are good reasons why I am single, hoping that this all would drive him away. But no.
"You know I love a challenge," he said, then reiterating that while he is okay with me rejecting him at any point, I at least owe him at least a solid chance to get to know me.
If not for his mature rebuttals, I would have become terrified by his subsequent confessions that he is considering working at or participating at sites in Germany during and/or after his time in med school, and he even set a deadline this year for us to "evaluate things between us."
Okay, I'm actually freaked out by the above. I'm not necessarily creeped out because there aren't any other red flags, really. He's just genuine, excessively so, and he blames it on having never been in a relationship before. I can believe that, and I guess holding in your adoration that grew over years for someone you see fairly often isn't conducive to moderation and realistic expectations once you finally let that person know.
Somehow I agreed to hang out with him again soon, emphasizing that we are not dating and that I may very well disappoint him. I think I'm just delaying the inevitable but don't want to deal with that conversation at the moment, even though I know it will only get worse as time passes. Maybe I'm too nice.
The truth is that I also view this as valuable experience since I haven't dated in years. I know I will have to when I am ready to try to find a long-term partner, something I was (and still am) postponing until after settling at the next place I will call home. So, why not seize this opportunity? At the same time, I don't think I should consider someone as good practice or something like this. At least he's taking responsibility for the risk he's taking?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm demiromantic. I haven't explored that too deeply yet. I understand that the point of dating is to get to know someone, but I also feel like there's pressure the reach certain physical "milestones" by date X, which makes me uncomfortable. I feel like these are just interviews, and there are only two possible outcomes.
It's weird when someone who hardly knows you becomes obsessed with you. I feel awkward at work now, like I am simultaneously seen too much and not at all.