I might get what I want
Lots of emotions here that I cannot contain and don't know how to express.
The idea had been simmering in my mind for a week. Every day I agonized over what the response might be. The idea of asking the question made me feel borderline nauseated.
Others told me there is no harm in asking. I can ask, and whatever happens, happens. No one thinks there has been any reason for me to shy away from trying.
I wanted to see if my biological sister (and perhaps our half-brother too) who live in Russia would be willing to meet me. For the first time. Not in Russia given the current state of things but in a different country.
You see, our contact has always been a bit flaky. I almost always initiate the conversation. So, to avoid being annoying, I don't reach out a lot. Though we've been in touch via text on and off for years and she seems incredibly sweet and genuine, I can't help but shake the thought that she doesn't actually care about me. Or at least not very much. If she really did, she would reciprocate. We've never even talked with each other on the phone before.
Typical adoptee thoughts.
After all, how would you feel if you woke up someday and an overseas sibling you never knew you had tried to slip into your life? Thankfully it's been a decade since that shock for her, but I still try to put myself in her shoes. It must be so weird.
I ruminated and ruminated over this. How would I handle inevitable rejection? Would I have to justify my decision to not visit Russia for now, to not go all the way to our birth city and her hometown? I feel like a small child. Even though she has said before that she and our brother are incredibly grateful for my existence and want to meet up someday.
After enough mental gymnastics last night, I decided to just send the message and go to bed.
I haven't booked anything yet, but I gave a tentative timeframe and place. Of course, I assured her it's okay if it doesn't work out for whatever reason or if she doesn't want to. I also admitted that I felt weird asking someone to travel for me. I was just throwing the idea out there.
I would travel a significantly greater distance than she would, but I still felt bad. Someone told me that I am fixated on my side of things, not considering that maybe my sister feels similarly. Maybe she would be willing to travel too or couldn't bring herself to ask me to come from so, so far away.
But why would anyone go out of their way just for me? To a different country?
I didn't sleep well or long. I even had a couple nightmares.
I woke up and couldn't resist checking my notifications. Although she hasn't been very responsive since I wished her a happy birthday last month, she replied thoroughly and immediately:
She said this is good news and she would in fact really want to. It wouldn't be a problem for her to go to this other country.
We could make plans. In fact, she had already been thinking about visiting this country soon out of her own interest but could postpone the trip a little bit for me.
Not only that, but she asked which places I am planning to visit. If I would like, we could not only meet but also travel together a bit. She would be glad.
She is going to ask our brother to see if he could travel at that time, but she thinks he would say yes if he can.
I cannot believe this. I spent all this time preparing for a rejection that I haven't thought about how to cope with such a response: a yes.
This is my biggest wish. This is why I think I can't move on with my life.
To be honest, I don't know what it will take for me to believe it. Maybe I will jinx it. Maybe I will book a trip to this distant country only to be ghosted.
I also feel like this shouldn't be that "easy." Given all the barriers I have faced in my childhood and in recent years, I've always felt like I cannot get what I want — to meet some of my birth family being one of those top things. To see someone who looks like me in real life. To get some closure.
At least I know I would still have a great time by myself there if something doesn't work out. That's what I will keep telling myself to avoid getting hurt. I know I only hurt myself with this line of thinking though. Objectively speaking, I probably can get some of the things I want. I'm starting to realize I've probably internalized the idea that I shouldn't get what I want, which is quite different from not being able to.
I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much, but this really might happen.