Faking it and making it in Kazakhstan
I have been in Kazakhstan for less than 72 hours. While it isn't Russia, it's the country most similar to it that I have visited so far. Of course, Kazakhstan is different in several ways that should be noticed and appreciated. But there is no way my brain can just stop making these comparisons.
In my life I've felt like an imposter for several reasons: for being a first-generation college student who is somehow earning a doctorate soon, for being a woman in STEM, for being an adult who still looks and feels 12 years old. I'm pretty good at making it look like I know what I'm doing in these, save for maybe the last one.
The advice "fake it until you make it" has helped. But I don't think it works for my most pressing form of imposter syndrome. In fact, I think it sometimes makes me feel worse than being an imposter.
I look Russian. I am genetically Russian (at least somewhat). But as an international adoptee, I will never truly be Russian.
No one here in Kazakhstan knows that. It's not just because of my appearance. Thanks to my halfway decent Russian skills, I have fooled everyone here into thinking that I am one of the many Russians who live here. I would have laughed at that idea five years ago, struggling through Duolingo.
I am faking it and making it. Why does it bother me so much?
I started visiting countries that speak at least some Russian only after I started learning it. AKA, during adulthood. AKA, starting last year. My adoptive parents would have never entertained the idea of going back to Russia or any other country in the region. They have no idea that I am here right now (unless my nightmare last night about them discovering my blog and all my plans becomes reality), can speak my birth language, and will meet my sister for the first time in only a few days.
What I'm trying to say is that my parents never gave me a chance to feel like a true alien by taking me back here when I was young, confused, and unaware. For some reason it feels wrong to skip that pain and just show up here like nothing ever happened. To act like I am already One Of Them during adulthood.
There is no way to make up for lost time. How can I be so silly as to think that studying language and history like it is my job for over five years can replace the upbringing I never had and the things I lost?
I know a lot of this sounds like severe main character syndrome, and I am to some degree voluntarily putting myself through these mental gymnastics. Everyone here is just doing their job and living their lives, interacting with me like anyone else who looks like they would speak their language, and there's nothing special about that.
It's something so plain and simple, and that's why it frustrates me. Sometimes it isn't even about the interactions I have with others but rather the everyday moments I observe. For some reason I was on the verge of years in the grocery store today seeing parents with their children, wondering if that's how my life could have been twenty years ago.
Is it the deception that feels wrong, or more my internalized unworthiness? I think I initially felt quite positively and proud. Now I can't help but mentally punish myself for thinking I could feel at ease. I'll admit it would feel even worse to come here unable to speak Russian and therefore be "ousted," but at the end of the day I don't think overcoming this form of imposter syndrome will necessarily make me feel better.
Fortunately, I have my cameras to occasionally distract me from these questions.
