toska

Expressing gratitude is hard

Today was a big day: my follow-up after endometriosis excision surgery (and an extra not so fun stay in the hospital because my bladder stopped working).

I invested most of my little post-operation energy into preparing for this conversation. It wasn't about just the questions. More importantly, how could I thank her and her team properly?

This wasn't my first surgery of my life, but it was different. I am still overwhelmed with surprise by what my surgeon found and that she was skilled enough to remove it.

Whatever it was. The funny thing is that none of the (huge) samples sent to pathology actually tested positive for endometriosis, to both my and my surgeon's surprise. I'm still convinced that it is for several reasons. I can go down other rabbit holes later. But in any case, it's gone. I feel different. Not entirely healed and well, and I don't know if all my problems will be solved within a few months. My pelvis may never be normal again. But so far I am different in a good way. Before my current new self, I can't remember the last time my bladder functioned normally. Maybe in 2017/18? I can't believe people live without needing to empty their bladder every 30 minutes.

I already rambled too much about what happened. I'm still coping with how it feels to be properly cared for.

I don't remember the last time I've felt this much gratitude. That's kind of sad because maybe I don't take the time to appreciate what I have.

I also have felt pressured by others (my adoptive family, society, etc.) to feel gratitude for things I just don't feel grateful for. I always pushed against it.

This situation has felt like the opposite though and therefore totally unfamiliar territory. Would others think I'm going over the top due to this compulsion to pour out my emotions to someone who just "did their job," alleviating my symptoms of a disease that no one cares about?

I didn't get gifts for the surgeons who removed my tonsils, wisdom teeth, and fallopian tubes. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about a gift for this surgeon.

How could I express this gratitude gracefully? I was already so embarrassed. I asked all my friends if they thought my gift ideas were weird. I consulted Reddit to see if others too suffer from such overthinking in thanking their surgeons. (Turns out the answer is yes).

I'm actually terrible at talking to people, especially when it involves such heavy emotions. Especially ones that I'm not used to. Maybe it's a bit too self-critical, but I'm so much more comfortable putting words to paper or screen. I think I also sometimes look or sound emotionally flat even if it isn't my intention, especially when I am nervous. I fully expected to shed tears at today's appointment, but thankfully I did not.

So, I made a possibly too sappy card for my surgeon describing how this disease almost made me cancel the most important trip of my life. Even though my symptoms were somehow well controlled then, I was afraid of my body for most of this year. Every day. I wrote how much I appreciated her not dismissing me, her skill, her compassion. And now I can hopefully travel without for a long time. I included photos that I've taken and a tiny photo of myself so that she might remember who I am. Maybe a little goofy, I don't know.

I also went out of my way to gift her and her team boxes of the best baklava in the region. Thanks to my best friend who picked that up for me because I don't have a car but was hooked on the idea of baklava for some reason.

As a child, I was shy. In adulthood not so much. But today I was so shy. I was too nervous to consider giving the treats to them personally, so I requested a staff member to pass them off to the team after my appointment even though they said I could just hand them to my doctor and there's no way it would be weird.

My surgeon answered all my questions and went above and beyond in some cases to refer me to other doctors. She showed me the photographs of the mess she scraped out of my body. "Scraped" is sort of an understatement.

At the end of the appointment, I gathered the courage to personally give her the card I wrote. After she touched her chest and thanked me, I repeatedly thanked her because, well, I didn't know what else to say.

And that was it. I hope my gifts (and especially my words) are well received. I wonder about it not so much because I expect some gratification in return but rather because I can't help but feel I didn't do enough, wasn't genuine enough, couldn't find the right words, made things too personal.

It seems melodramatic, and maybe it is. I'm a little disappointed in myself. I think I should have expressed my thanks verbally much better. At the same time, a gift for a surgeon is never expected, so I did go out of my way. I feel so clingy and strange but at the same time like I didn't do enough. It pains me. I don't know why it bothers me so much.