Am I too nice to men?
Four years ago there was a postdoc in our lab, lost after recently completing his medical degree and clearly suffering from some mental issues due to past trauma. Nevertheless, conversation with him always offered something insightful, something not related to science or medicine. I appreciated that. He even had a blog that he shared with me.
He asked to hang out with him at the park. I felt kind of bad for him, like maybe he doesn't have friends willing to go on walks with him. So, I agreed.
It was fine. We went on the weekend after stopping by the lab. We had some interesting philosophical conversations and then went on our way.
He asked me to hang out again, so we walked together once more. More or less the same. I imagine he appreciated my company. Unfortunately, I was a little too right, and by the time I made it home he had asked me out. Via Slack. I then rejected him. Via Slack.
So, we stopped hanging out. I don't judge men whom I reject though. I don't recall much else happening after that.
Until he sent me another message as his last day in our lab approached. It's impossible to retrieve it now, but I recall how stiff and uncomfortable it made me feel. He sent me a quote from some book about, like, how sad it is for men to be deprived of sex in life. That's what I get for being nice, I guess.
I never told my advisor that I was harassed by him. Via Slack. He was moving across the country, so what use was it anyway?
Most of my friends are cis men. And they happen to all be my closest friends, right behind my true best friend whom I consider a sister. Nearly all of them have never asked me out before. While that doesn't mean none of them are interested, I also don't assume that someone is romantically interested in me unless they say so.
I do find myself wondering, however, if I'm too nice to men. Do I invite things that I don't necessarily want?
I started reflecting on this as well as the above short but bitter experience only very recently because of a recent conflict with a guy who revealed he's been obsessed with me for years as described in a recent post.
I felt like I had to hang out with him a second time since he begged me to give him a chance. I saw no romantic potential and also am not in a position to entertain a romantic relationship at the moment. But he begged. So, I agreed to hang out with him platonically, and he swore that he would appreciate even platonic contact. In the worst case, we could return to our previous professional relationship that was already good.
Unfortunately, I believed him. He also gradually shared his political views with me, calling the US's capture of Nicolás Maduro the greatest display of power in the 21st century and admitting that he is not necessarily pro-MAGA but appreciates the new directions Trump has taken especially regarding AI. He said his biggest priorities are the economy and the military. He was shocked to learn that I care about digital privacy even after I refused multiple times to ask AI something on his phone and to accept a free Claude subscription from him. I became afraid. I don't want to even be friends with this type of person.
Still, I continued to help him with some projects that supposedly required my knowledge. I knew I had to reject him sooner rather than later.
Last Thursday we went to my beloved microscope to get some nice images that I thought he needed for his project. Much of the data for my PhD were collected here. I knew it very well. The conversation during the hours we spent there revolved mostly around the science, though he did throw in a joke about Russians that would have been funny and not offensive only if my best friend had said it to me. I fake laughed.
Eventually he asked about hanging out again. My worst fear. This wasn't the time or place for this. Suddenly the room that was almost comforting to me turned into more of, well, a space. We were in an isolated in the basement of a building that houses neither of our labs, sitting inches away from each other in pitch darkness with only one entrance (or exit, as I would have much rather preferred).
I had to stop this though. Before I would almost inevitably hear him talk about how much he hates abortions (I know, I said I don't like to make assumptions about others). He noticed my hesitation. I said that I don't think we are romantically compatible.
I thought our last date went really well.
He was crushed. I had to remind him that we were never dating; I had agreed to hang out with him only platonically.
Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Is it the way I look?
I assured him that he did nothing wrong. I then just repeated what I said, that we are not romantically compatible.
He apologized. I totally misread the situation.
But then he started begging. Please, I would do anything.
It became awkward to say the least. I heard him sniffling. He then urged me to stop the ongoing scan even though I reminded him I said I would continue to help him professionally, which was why I was there spending hours at the microscope. I couldn't convince him otherwise, so we called it there and headed back to our building.
After he told me to throw away the samples I prepared for him, which entailed coming to the lab on both days the prior weekend, I insisted that I hold onto the samples to see what his advisor says about the images and how to move forward. He finally agreed.
His advisor responded to an email that included me later that day. Essentially, I found out that he didn't actually need my help. He just gave me more work to do so that I would spend more time with him. All that just for him to then want to discard everything I prepared for him.
The next day I encountered him leaving the building while I entered. He very obviously glared at me and looked away. Okay. Later he sported a fuck-women-because-they're-good-for-nothing aesthetic that young conservatives know best, a backwards baseball cap the centerpiece of it.
It was admittedly kind of funny.
I stopped laughing when I woke up on Monday morning to a seemingly AI-generated email he sent around 3 AM. It seemed related to a project among several others that he was trying to reel me into for whatever reason despite me explaining that I made absolutely zero contributions.
It was different though. There was no biological application to it, just some weird advanced informatics sprinkled into some metaphorical bullshit that was addressed to three other people in some nonsensical way but somehow seemed to be a jab at me if I read just a little bit in between the lines.
Now I was really scared. I decided I would no longer come to the lab on weekends when no one would be there, as I feared a confrontation with him. He clearly wasn't over it. He seemed unstable. Would he retaliate? If so, physically or professionally? Maybe both?
It took a lot of mental gymnastics (and some consulting my male friends, who, according to my best friend who thought I could wait it out, maybe like to overcompensate for all the shitty men in the world) to work up the courage and explain the situation to my advisor, who also happens to currently be on medical leave. I felt embarrassed and burdensome.
Thankfully, she was glad I told her. She was so apologetic and hated that I navigated this by myself. According to her, this is textbook harassment. I wasn't sure if I agreed, maybe just the email. But it made me feel better. She said she also faced a strange emotional reaction from him last month. We decided to not stir things up further for now, but I agreed to let her to get in touch with his advisor and see if she thinks it's worth formally escalating.
Not even an hour later she broke the news to me that he already told his advisor this week that he asked me out and that I declined. Supposedly he said he understood. The three of us women are all on the same page and 100% support me not supporting his work anymore. My advisor thinks he told her out of fear that I would report him.
Again, I don't know if I was harassed per se. The email was and still is freaky, but I still agreed to hang out with him even when I should have declined much sooner. So, while I don't feel like I led him on (I explicitly said our time spent together would be platonic), I don't think being so nice to him worked in my favor. Am I just bad at rejecting men? Are my social skills inept?
While my advisor was thankful to know the situation, I feel like I made something out of nothing. At least he's (probably?) off my back. I don't want to be pursued like that ever again. And given that I've now had two creepy experiences with men at the workplace, I find myself reevaluating how I interact with men (and honestly just people in general).